Clear Conscience Soap Co - a LONG overdue review

Hello! It's been a while since I posted anything...oops.

I had a rough couple of months, and thought it best not to post anything. Mainly because I didn't want to sound like a petulant teenager whining over not having the latest gadget even though EVERYBODY ELSE DOES *pouty face*, FML, etc.

Anyway, my favourite person in the world, Katie (she appears in all of my stories, that's how rad she is), has started making her own soaps. They are all completely natural, hand made and generally awesome. Link is below:

>>> Clear Conscience Soap Company  <<<

I tested the following:

Dead Sea Mud Soap
Lavender & Shea Soap
Neem Soap
Sea Breeze Soap
Seaweed Soap
Lemongrass Soap
Minty Marshmallow Shampoo & Conditioner
Geranium Pet Soap

And my boyfriend tested:

Salty Sailor Soap - sadly they are not making this one anymore, which is a shame. Boyfriend works with coal, and found that this soap was awesome for getting all the coal dust off. He even used it in his hair! Sad face.

So yeah, I've been busy. And very clean.

I have very, very dry skin. It's also very sensitive and prone to break outs. I have found that since using soaps made by Katie at Clear Conscience Soap Co, my skin is softer and less moody - even on my face. Katie doesn't recommend using her soaps on your face, but I thought I'd give it a bash anyway. I can quite confidently say that I will NEVER use anything like Proactiv again. Ever.

I don't even need to moisturise as often. Which is awesome - especially in winter.

My two favourite soaps are Dead Sea Mud and Sea Breeze. I use the Sea Breeze for shaving, and found it great for in-grown hairs, and the Dead Sea Mud as an every day soap. They both smell divine, and make my skin feel amazing.

I also have been using the Minty Marshmallow Shampoo and Conditioner. It took a while to get used to it, and for my hair to work out its moisture levels, but other than that, it's been great.

My hair is long, very thick, and has a natural wave that is prone to frizziness - particularly when it is humid. Which is most of the time in the tropics. I've noticed that since using it, my hair is easier to manage, sits nicely (some days I don't even need to brush it, which is rad because I'm super lazy), and looks shiny and healthy. My scalp is also a LOT less itchy, and I haven't noticed any dandruff. It also smells great, and my Lorikeet loves it...as seen below...ha!






OMG HAIR!

Below is a picture I took last week (shameless selfie, I know) of me before I went to the races with work. My hair is totally un-brushed, with a few strategically placed curls (using a curler, obviously) in the front and around the back:

 

 

 

I was impressed, generally because my hair is unruly and falls out within 10 mins. It stayed like that all day, regardless of how drunk I got. I won't post pics of that though, because I'm embarrassed.

 

Lastly, the Geranium Pet Shampoo.

 

Oh. My. God.

 

I have 2 small dogs at the moment - Boyfriend's Foxy x Kelpie (lololol) and Mum's Jack Russell. Both get into everything, and were really smelly and itchy on the day I bathed them with it. After using it, both dogs smelled lovely and were scratching decidedly less - especially Mum's dog Reggie, he has really sensitive skin. They were both also very soft, which is good, as both dogs were feeling a bit wiry.

 

It doesn't really have a smell, but trust me, your dog will smell 100% more amazing after using it. Here's a picture so you can wallow in their cuteness:

 

 

 

Side note: I didn't bother trying it out on my German Shepherd - she HATES water and probably wouldn't sit still long enough.

 

 

All in all, I highly recommend EVERYTHING at Clear Conscience, and suggest you purchase all of the things. Immediately.

 

Service was great too - speedy delivery!

 

Definitely 10/10

 

 

 







50 Shades of LAME

As I think of what I would like to say about this atrocity (I can't even bring myself to call it a book - it would be insulting to actual books), I can hear the furious tapping of keys from the butt-hurt masses screaming about how wonderful this series is.

Unfortunately, I did not do any research regarding this series before I wasted my $30. I had heard through friends that this book was "amazing", and "controversial". There had also been news stories about it, so I thought "What the hell...I'll give it a go" and purchased all 3 books while they were on sale. 

Now, if I had looked into it first, I would have found that this series began as Twilight fan fiction. I also would have found out that I could read it on the internet. For free. If I had the sense to read the first 4 or so pages at the book store, I would not have wasted my money. But that's not what pisses me off about this series. What really shits me is the author's (and I use that term loosely...) blatant disregard for the English Language. 

An example: "I didn't know I could sex in my sleep"

This is a DIRECT QUOTE from the book. 

Another example: (in reference to being tired) "That would be all the sexing" 

WHAT THE FUCK?! Any book that uses "sexing" as a legitimate replacement for intercourse needs to be burnt.  

Final example: "He ran his hand over my stomach and down to my sex"

Terrible. It's called a fucking vagina. Or cunt. ANYTHING. Just not "my sex" or "down there". What are we? 12? If you're going to write smut, at least have the decency to do it properly. It was like reading "Peterotica" - You know, those lame, yet hilarious erotic books that Peter Griffin wrote on Family Guy? Yeah. 3 500 page books like that, only they aren't hilarious. Just lame. Actually, Seth Macfarlaine should consider a lawsuit, that's how similar they are.

I honestly expected to come across the line "And then he sexed me", but alas, it was not to be. Four pages in, I was ready to hurl it against the wall. Before you all get bent out of shape and scream "BUT YOU DIDN'T READ ALL THREE LOL!!11", Yes. Yes, I did read all 3. I assure you that it was purely out of stubborn fury. I spent the $30, so I was going to fucking finish them. I can honestly say, that I have never been so angry at a series of books in my life. If you're interested, I did throw them against the wall in a fit of rage once I had finished them. I've since given them away, because honestly, just looking at them made me seethe. 

There are many other atrocious grammatical errors that make reading this "book" so painful. Every time my eyes ran over a spelling or grammatical error, it was like hearing someone speak with a lisp...or a stutter. It reminded me of reading the diary of a 12 year old girl - which is disturbing, given the content. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm no prude. I have absolutely no issue with the content (aside from the fact that it is not an accurate portrayal of BDSM, bondage, etc etc). My issue is purely with the way the book is written. The story line? Terrible and full of holes. The characters? Terrible and poorly developed. The concept? Terrible. The writing structure? Fucking terrible. People keep telling me how well written this series is, and when I dispute that, they tell me that their favourite "author" has a degree in English Literature.

No. She. Doesn't. The character in her series does, but that's about it

E. L James is a TV Executive from England - so I guess you all got the "English" part right. She also published a version of this series on fanfiction.com as Twilight fanfic under the name "Snowqueens Icedragon". The only thing mentioned about a Tertiary education is that she "read History at the University of Kent". Her writing career did not begin until 2009, when stories based around Twilight hit the Internet. Good on her for making her dream come true, but if you're going to question what I know, at least know the background of the person you are so passionately defending. 

And now, they're making the books into movies. Seriously, just screen a porno under that title and save yourselves the money, film studios. Actually, that's not a half bad idea. I'm pretty sure most porn stories are better developed than this tripe. I did hear a rumour that Bret Easton Ellis (the guy that wrote American Psycho) had expressed interest in writing the screenplay for 50 Shades. I sincerely hope not, but if it does happen, I would be interested in seeing it. I wouldn't pay though. Sorry Bret. 

I also heard that fans want Christian Bale to play "50 Shades". This makes me sad. However, if Ellis was to write the screenplay (Christian Bale played Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, for those of you who don't know), it could work.     

I purchased these books with high expectations. I was hoping for something brilliant - like "Catcher in the Rye" or "Less than Zero". What I got was 3 books of the same, repetitive nonsense. It was thoroughly unoriginal, uninteresting and incredibly difficult to read.

Save your pennies, ladies. There is far better smut on the internet. And it's FREE. 

I won't even give this piece of shit series a rating. That's how bad it is. Seriously, don't waste your money. 

PS - Yes, I am aware that my blog is probably full of grammatical errors. However, THIS IS A BLOG, NOT A PUBLISHED NOVEL. Don't get butt-hurt over it.  

The Avengers - A Review

Hello Dear Reader!

I know that this one is WAY overdue, but I currently don't have a PC, so bear with me. I'm also using my IPad, which seems to make writing a grammatically correct blog impossible. Not everyone is American, Mr. WhoeverRunsAppleNow. The world does not revolve around you!

The Avengers is the flick I have been waiting for since Iron Man (that and Deadpool - but that seems to have been put on the backburner...again). All the subtle hints sprinkled through The Hulk, Thor and Captain America have seriously been doing my head in - and when it was announced that Joss Whedon had signed on to write and direct, bricks were shat. But enough about that, on to my opinion! Cos that's the most important thing here. 


Now, those of you that know me (and I'm assuming that it is the vast majority of you), know that I am a huge comic book fan. That being said, I have to say, I LOVED this film. It was written by someone that is obviously a fan, very witty, well shot, and engaging. Big budget comic book/franchise adaptions can be really disappointing (fuck you Michael Bay), and to be quite honest, this is probably the first that I have been genuinely impressed with since the original Batman. 


The way that Whedon brought the characters together as a unit is fantastic - the first chunk of the movie explores what would happen when 7 individuals huge egos (and the odd super power) are thrown together and expected to work as a team. It involves a lot of bickering, power struggles, punching and hilarity. Then comes the pivotal moment when one of their own is lost (no spoilers), and they all band together to save the world (or New York...whatever). 


It's pretty predictable plot wise, but with these kinds of movies, simple is always best. It was a little disappointing that they were unable to bring Edward Norton back on as The Hulk, but they definitely made the right casting choice with Mark Ruffalo. He really NAILS Bruce Banner - playing him with the right amount of nervous energy, anxiety and underlying anger. Hopefully he stays on for the next flick, because he was fucking brilliant. 


As he was really the only casting change, there's not really any point in my harping on about the rest of them. Scarlet Johansson is hot, so is Chris Hemsworth. Robert Downey Jnr is perfectly arrogant, and Chris Evans is confused. They're all just as good as they were in their previous films. The only other thing I found annoying was that there are a few shots in the film that are obviously made for 3D, so if you're watching it normally, every now and then something will flash up screaming I'M A 3D SCENE! Other than that, I loved every second, and would gladly go and see it again (this time in 3D). Which brings me to my final question: 


WHY ARE STUDIOS STILL GIVING MONEY TO MICHAEL BAY?! GIVE IT TO JOSS WHEDON FOR FUCKS SAKE! 


4.5 Stars! Stop reading and go see it!

The Hunger Games: A Review

As the American Summer draws closer, we begin to enter what, in the "biz", is known as BLOCKBUSTER SEASON!

Well, probably not - but it sounds exciting.

Traditionally, the most anticipated films are scheduled for release in the American Spring and Summer - as obviously the entire world revolves around the US. I personally like that they all come out in the Australian Winter, because in all honesty, it's fucking hot 12 months a year where I live.

That being said, I am assuming that my blogs will become more frequent now that Blockbuster Season is almost upon us...depending on finances. UNLESS PEOPLE WANT TO PAY ME TO REVIEW *wink wink*

Anyway, on with the show.

The Hunger Games, based on a book trilogy of the same name (which I have not read - I find it best to see these movies before I read the books, that way I'm not disappointed and cranky when I see the film), is set in what I can only assume is some sort of post-apocalyptic society that consists of 12 poorer "Districts" and the uber-rich Capitol. Every year, a male and female are chosen to represent each District in a televised battle to the death to appease...something. I couldn't quite work it out, and didn't want to cheat and use Wikipedia. It's some form of ritualistic sacrifice from what I could gather. Anyway, main characters are chosen, a full hour is used on "Character Development", battle begins, shit gets real...fin. That's it in a nutshell.

Jennifer Lawrence gives an OK performance as protagonist Katniss Everdeen (last seen as Raven/Mystique in X-Men: First Class). She at least speaks clearly and doesn't assume that mumbling, crossing her eyes, biting her lip and being pretty are enough to carry her through this film. There are a few really good moments where she really hits her stride and is believable, but there are also many where she seems wooden and bored. The kid that played Bucky in Kicking and Screaming also puts in a solid performance, as well as Lenny Kravitz, Woody Harrelson and Elizabeth Banks. It was a pretty movie to watch - a lot of thought obviously went into the Capitol, battlefield etc. However, the fight scenes, oh my god! The fight scenes! This is, I assume, a fairly violent and at times graphic book aimed at young adults. I understand that it is not always young adults that read these - especially now that Raging Shit Twilight has taken off, but don't sacrifice a key part of the story for a PG-13 rating and a few extra tickets! The fight scenes were TERRIBLE. Very shaky, constantly out of focus and always cutting around the place - I found it confusing, annoying and difficult to watch. The only other thing I found irritating is that it is a long film (over 2 hours) and there is still not enough character development for someone that is unaware of the book series.

At the end of the day, the film is OK. Not above average, but certainly not below. The cast put in solid performances, the story is written well enough that I could understand the key elements, and aside from the fight scenes, is shot pretty well. I'm definitely going to read the books at the very least.

It's a good warm up for what is to come this season anyway! 2.5 stars

Busby Marou Gig: An Objective Review

To be honest, when my lovely friend Gayle asked me to join her and her fiance at the Busby Marou gig, I had no idea who/what she was talking about. Probably because I'm not cool enough. Anyway, as it was Friday night and I'm seldom invited out, I jumped at the chance.

Unfortunately, the gig was at the Andergrove Tavern. 

I haven't been to the Tavern in about 10 years, mainly because it's a dank. Not a lovable dank, but an actual dank. It makes my skin crawl, is dirty and generally populated by douche bags/stupid bitches - all of whom are drunk and speaking ridiculously loud and high pitched. Ugh. 

Anyway, the gig was SHIT. And I'm not just saying that because I don't really know who Busby Marou are. Really. The venue? Shit. The people? Shit. The sound/acoustics? Shit. The bands? SHIT!

Seriously. We stood there for 2.5 hours and didn't even notice when the back up bands left the stage. That's how bad they were. It was 2+ hours of University brand hipster music. 

I can't go on with this. It was terrible. Mackay - STOP HAVING GIGS AT THE GROVE! Jeez. 

1 rubber chicken - and that's being generous.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: A Review

I'll begin by saying that I haven't read the "Millennium Series", nor have I seen the Scandinavian film adaptions. The only thing I know is that this film is the lovechild of uber-director David Fincher (of Fight Club and Seven fame) and Steven Zaillian (Schindler's List), and stars Mr. 007 himself, Daniel Craig. Oh! The sound track is by Trent Reznor too. So yeah, I was expecting a lot.

We open with what is essentially a Nine Inch Nails film clip set to a hideously remixed "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin - complete with over-dubbed vocals by that chick from The Knife. 

I. Hated. It. 

Probably because Trent Reznor sodomised one of my favourite songs...publicly. I found myself drifting off to that South Park episode where Steven Spielberg and George Lucas rape Indiana Jones. That being said, the soundtrack does set the tone of the film very well. It's all dark, brooding, and angry and really puts you in that "I hate all the things" mind frame. Score 1 to YOU Mr Reznor. 

ANYWAY - let's move on to the actual film. 

From what Wikipedia tells me (remember, I haven't read the books or seen the other movies), the American film adaption pretty much follows the Scandinavian one aside from 1 key plot point - which I won't reveal as it will completely fuck everything for you. It opens with lead character Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) losing a libel case against some big wig, which costs him his life savings. We also find out that he is banging his married co-editor, Erika Berger (Robin Wright). Presumably at the same time as the trial, a Lawyer is performing a background check on Blomkvist for his boss, and retired CEO of Vagner Industries, Henrik Vagner (Christopher Plummer). Enter Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara), hacker extraordinairre, sufferer of all kinds of abuse, and really REALLY pissed off chick. It's at this point that we are treated to some back-ground information on Lisbeth - including not one, but TWO fairly graphic rape scenes. One of which involves a gigantic metal penis and a tattoo gun...Imaginations, do your worst! Anyway, Blomkvist goes off to Vagner's island to research the 40 year old disappearance/murder of Vagner's grand daughter, decides he needs a "research assistant", teams up with Salander, and BAM! We have the rest of the movie. 

Rooney Mara is the definite stand out of the film, even surrounded by heavyweights like Daniel Craig, Stellan Skarsgaard and Christopher Plummer. She really throws herself into the role, and plays Lisbeth with the perfect mix of awkardness, angst, frailty and this brilliant underlying rage that just bubbles away under the surface. It's awesome to watch.  Being a Fincher film, it's also beautifully shot, and really uses the Sweedish landscape to his advantage. The dulling down of colour also provides the right amount of "grittiness" needed as you're dragged through the murkiness of what is essentially a really nasty family history involving Nazis, lies and copious amounts of sex. 

On the negative side, I found the blatant product placement really annoying. In a movie that has had most of the colour removed from the footage (there's a lot of blacks, greys, bleak landscapes and night time shooting), every now and then a BRIGHT FUCKING RED coke can or happy meal box will magically appear and really offend your delicate eye holes. Reznor also gets a few really good plugs in here and there too...

The accents are also a little irritating - I personally think that in a foreign set film, either everyone does the accent or no-one at all. You have Mara, Plummer and Skarsgaard using a Scandinavian type accent, yet Daniel Craig doesn't even bother. Maybe he felt that he already has a foreign accent in America's eyes, so no effort on his part was necessary. That, or his attempt at the accent was so incredibly shit that the directors decided to scrap it entirely.

The only other gripe I had was that sometimes the film felt a little clunky. While I realise that sex and abuse were major themes in the movie, it felt that every now and then a sex scene was thrown in to make sure that everyone was still paying attention. For example, when you are being introduced to Mara's character, there is a scene in a club where she hooks up with a chick, shoves her hand up her skirt and gets her angry girl lover on. I get that the character is bi-sexual, but I really didn't think that part of the movie was all that necessary. It was more like the director/screenwriter was screaming "HEY GUYS! THIS ONE'S FOR YOU LOL" at the audience.

All that aside, the performances were good - in Rooney Mara's case, fantastic. The dialogue was good. It was beautifully shot. It's definitely worth a peek, but is definitely not going to be the best to come from 2012. 

I'ma give it 3.5 rubber chickens. 

Someone called me a 'vapid cunt' today, and I said "The sky's blue bitch, I'm busy"

No-one called me a 'vapid cunt' today, but catchy title yes? I thought so.

Recently, I have been receiving increasingly threatening phone calls - always from a blocked number. It's the usual lame stuff: "You're a slut", "I'm going to kill you", "Watch your back", "I'm watching you" etc etc. Sure, it pissed me off, and is more than likely work related, but I didn't think too much of it the first couple of times they called. There isn't really a pattern to the phone calls, and they were usually after work hours or on a Friday/Saturday night, so I figured that it was probably some idiot randomly dialling phone numbers. But it just kept happening, always the same person doing the same dodgy accent, and always after significant events in a certain tenant's rental history. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm a Property Manager? I probably should have, cos that's pretty important for my little tale. My point is, I have a pretty good idea of whom is making these calls, but alas, I couldn't prove it at that point in time. Apparently the police and phone company couldn't do anything as a) the phone number is private and b) they are only calling once or twice a month, which apparently isn't frequent enough for the phone company/police to issue a cease and desist notice.

Yesterday, at 11.31am I received yet ANOTHER call, but this time Governor Fuckhead (that's what I am calling them - deal with it) forgot to block their number.

"Huzzah!" I thought. "You're fucked now! Prepare to feel my wrath mother fucker!" I thought, and off I toddled to the Police Station to fuck Governor Fuckhead in the arse with a night-stick.

Imagine my surprise when I presented the Officer with said phone number and was all "Hello Ms Police-man, here is the phone number of the person that has been calling and threatening me, please go do your job now" and was told that "they haven't committed an offense yet".

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I'm no police officer, but I have watched a shit load of TV and far, far too many movies, which obviously makes me an expert. I really thought that constantly threatening someone's life was illegal. Or at least grounds to have the Boys In Blue pay Governor Fuckhead a little visit telling them to lay the fuck off.

NOPE.

I was given the number for "Scamline" (what?) and sent on my merry way rather perplexed.

My next port of call was my phone company. I wandered into the local phone shop and spoke to a really nice young girl and explained my situation. This is nothing against her, she was really lovely and did genuinely try to help, but it pissed me off none the less. I said "Hello Ms Phone-lady, here is my dilemma" and proceeded to explain the above.

At this point in time, I should explain that I have worked for ALL 4 of the major phone companies in Australia, so I know there are ways and means of obtaining someone's name/address using a phone number.

The young lady was very apologetic and said while she could find out who the person was using her magic system, she couldn't legally give me the information due to the fucking Privacy Act. She changed my phone number for me (at no cost, which was nice of her) and suggested I speak to the Police. I laughed, and told her I'd already done that, but thanks for her help and good day.

What really concerns me is that for at least 6 months I have been getting these calls. At no point have I received any valid help from the people that are employed to help those in need, all because they need to protect Governor Fuckhead's privacy. Am I right in thinking that this is absurd? I'm pretty sure that I will need to be bashed or whatever before anything is done about Governor Fuckhead, and even then they will probably do nothing due to the Privacy Act and what I am pretty sure is downright laziness. The law is obviously only there to protect the guilty and I call bullshit. I can't even get the information I need from the proper authorities to slap this bitch with an AVO or whatever they're called. It sucks.

So my question for you, dear anonymous, is: How do I find out whose phone number this is? Do your thing internet! I command thee! And by "command", I mean, ask very politely.

I will close by saying this:

Governor Fuckhead, you will not beat me. I know who you are, and as soon as I get concrete proof, you will feel my wrath. My entirely legal wrath, in the form of a legal arse-raping with a night-stick. By the LAW. Not by me, but the law. Hooray!