I on the other hand, am a carnivore. I'll eat ANYTHING. Especially baby animals. They're the best kind. I have hair like straw, pasty skin, dead eyes and a constant rash on my arms cos I'm allergic to dairy and I REFUSE to stop eating cheese.
Every couple of months I wake up and decide I am going to get my diet under control and lose weight, exercise, become vegan and glorious, quit smoking, and all that other fun stuff. I also decide that I am going to begin doing these things at exactly the same time.
I usually begin this on a Saturday morning, as I know that I'm going to be a snarling megabitch from hell for the next 48 hours. I spend the first 2 days in hiding, cramping and crying over my lack of caffeine, nicotine, sugar and meat. I also set out to make my boyfriend's life a living hell.
By Monday, I'm feeling slightly better and am able to perform simple tasks without crying or punching.
By Wednesday, I'm feeling amazing. I get drunk on my own willpower, and begin to preach veganism to anyone that will listen.
By Friday, I'm pretty set in my routine. I decide that since it's the weekend, and I've made it through a whole week of being good, it is time to celebrate. I invite people over for drinks with the best intentions, telling myself I will only have ONE drink, no cigarettes, and will stick to my veggie patties. It'll be fine, after all, I have willpower now!
Saturday morning I wake up to find out that I have binged on all the things I have been denying myself for the past 7 days. I feel about 10 kilos heavier and my head hurts. I've gone through a deck of smokes, there's an empty bottle of Jagermeister and many, many redbull cans strewn through my house and back yard. I also notice many half eaten sausages, pizzas, etc.
This is where I begin to rebel against said willpower. I tell Mr Willpower "OI! Listen! I'm just going to have ONE greasy hangover meal ok. For my hangover. It doesn't mean I'm relapsing or anything" He doesn't agree, but I don't care. I've come this far. Why the hell shouldn't I eat some greasy food to help my upset stomach? It's around this point in time that I accept the fact that I love meat. And cheese. And can't bear my life without them. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I can never be vegan. Fuck that noise.
